Every journalist, blogger and content creator wants good stories. If asking for favors makes you uncomfortable, you're in good company. 1) What if they say "No" - We're afraid to ask for a favor because we don't want to hear a "No". Share with them the reason youre asking for the favor. Three Ways to Say No Without Feeling Guilty. Leave space for them to escape if they want to. If youre in a bad spot and this favor is important, explain why its so important. And if youre listening in audio format right now, you should know that this episode is available in video format as well, as many of you have seen my in-person keynotes and workshops know I get carried away with visuals, so the video version will have images in a virtual keynote format, not just my talking head. If its a co-worker, or anyone really, youre asking a favor from, you can even offer suggestions as to ways you might be able to begin repaying the favor immediately. My friend Guy Kawasaki got this tip from Robert Cialdini When someone thanks you, instead of replying with the usual, Youre welcome, or, It was nothing, try this: That amplifies reciprocation. When you get an email where somebody asks you for something, you may agree to do it right away, or you may reject it right away, but theres also a chance that youll have to think about it because, well, youre not really sure. That approach doesnt work. And I contrast that with the state of Texas, where Ive lived for 10 years, if you have ever lived in Texas or known Texans, you know that their identity is tied up with the state. People have asked me, Roger, whats the difference between liking and unity, they seem the same? Unity is more powerful because while liking our shared attributes, unity is shared identity. The flattery approach has become commonplace. I'm just so bad at packing, and you're so organized and together. Now, this seems to be a logical approach, but in fact, it does not work all that well. Let them know that something that they have done that has impressed you and give them a little bit of the information so they know that you arent just making it up. Think about it: How often are you reaching out to schedule a meeting, get an order, or get another person to do something that will ultimately benefit you? The benefit of being sincere and genuine. Then perhaps you might use a little bit of flattery and again, be sincere and specific. What's the moral of these stories? But Im going to guess that fewer than ten percent of the people we know are like that. When someone does something for you, always follow up with a verbal thank you and a note to follow up. For example, a 1969 study asked students to participate in a contest. I understand that youre busy, especially now with the extra demands on you as the chair of the fundraiser. Asking for a favor can be scary because, in many cases, you're asking to be rejected. Examples of their expressions included: Other-praising: " It shows how responsible . If not, I definitely understand, and would appreciate any pointers you might have about applying to your company. Now, this may be a little bit difficult these days, ask in person is the fifth technique. And this comes from an experiment, but it involved a line of people waiting to make copies in the copy machine. Be brief. Three highlights of the study: 1. You know, kind of like this: Hey good friend of mine. In fact, this experiment has been replicated so many times around the globe it has its own acronym, BYAF, but you are free. Welcome to Brainfluence, where author and international keynote speaker Roger Dooley has weekly conversations with thought leaders and world class experts. Your participation in this race is mostly pointless if you don't raise some money, and so I sent this message to a bunch of people I know: I'm about to ask you for money. Ask nicely, and if the answer is no, walk away with a smile and your dignity. He entertains and educates audiences around the world with speeches and workshops that make business better using practical approaches based on science. So, before you make your request, do something for your target first. .hide-if-no-js { 3. Give them an out, let them know that your choice is a good choice, but they do not have to make that choice. A friend of mine worked for a television showrunner a few years back and heard this showrunner was filming a new pilot. Thats unlikely. It's fine to compliment someone afterwards, but when it's the first thing out of your mouth it is ruined by asking for a favor. The follow-up email could have taken a totally different angle to increase the odds of hooking the reader. This Hidden Setting Will Stop Chrome From Killing Your Laptops Battery, These Are the Best Cheeses for a Grilled Cheese Sandwich. In fact, another Cialdini principle, commitment and consistency, comes into play. And thats OK. Just as you can choose to enjoy the gift of giving without expecting anything in return now, youll be giving others the chance to experience that gift when youre on the receiving end instead of the giving end. 1. First, its short and to the point. There are several possible reasons for this. Ive talked to the other moms I know in Everlys preschool co-op, and even called the school and my church office asking if they know of anyone to watch her on the three Thursdays when I have training until 10 PM for my new job. Then a little bit later, Franklin came back and asked for the favor and indeed he got it. 123 Begin. The power of 'because' - even nonsense helps you be persuasive! It was expensive, exhausting, time-consuming and difficult. Be seated. Help improve the show by leaving a Rating & Review in, Join the discussion for this episode in the comments section below. But I encourage you not to use fake flattery instead be sincere and be specific. Resist the urge to beg. display: none !important; Today, I wouldnt trade those years for anything. So almost every day I get emails from people I barely know, or more often dont know at all, asking for favors. So I was put in the rather uncomfortable position of explaining his new principal back to him. 2. 11. Who opens attachments from strangers? BTW, you look great today! You'd like it. 3. 2. When it comes to quirky replies, Google's AI voice assistant - Alexa is not at all behind Siri. Once youve been on the receiving endfeeling uncomfortable with an ask to connect a distant contact with the most impressive person in your network, or dreading a call for someone to pick your brain when you dont have the timeyou become more sensitive to not wanting to put others in a similar position. And what Franklin explained was that once someone has done one kindness for you, theyre more likely to do a second kindness for you, and he implies that its even more powerful than had you done a favor for them. Say thanks and make the world a better place. Ill be knocking on your door soon please dont feel you have to answer, but feel free to. Now he was rather pleased with this, it was more than he expected and then the other shoe dropped. Nevertheless, they did have a significant impact on the amount of the tip, they established that reciprocation. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and move on. Worse yet, theyll regret that they said yes to you. Etiquette School of America | Maralee McKee, In Funny Girl, the 1960s Broadway musical and then the movie of the same name,the world was introduced to a twenty-something then-mostly-unknown Barbara Streisand. You also can't win over everybody, so don't expect that you will. My friend wanted to get involved and sent the following email (details redacted for privacy purposes): This is [SENDER]. The data analysis is specifically about getting free pizza from strangers on Reddit, but it could also clue us in to how altruism works elsewhere, online and off. At least, if you are a good person you will do that. Your email address will not be published. All Rights Reserved. Or perhaps you could share any resources with me that youve found to be particularly helpful. Sara McCord is a freelance writer and editor, who most frequently covers the career beat. I think of examples like the US Marines, where you never retire from the Marines, once you are a Marine, youre always a Marine. You are probably asking for more favors than you realize. To my surprise, the email didnt even say what this startup was doing. But be careful with this, you do not want to sound like Don Corleone in The Godfather who would give somebody a favor and then immediately let them know that at some point in the future, Im going to ask you for a favor and you had better do that for me, or else. Gracias por el paro. Because they did the small favor for you, it would be inconsistent to refuse the bigger favor. 7. }. Use The Muse to find a job at a company with a culture you love. 2. Im going to show you nine of my favorite ways to maximize your chances of a favorable outcome. How do you get in on the ground floor? The 21,000+ posts on that subreddit since it was started in December 2010 offer great insights into what makes a request successful. When somebody does that small favor for you at first, and then you ask them for another favor, denying them would create a little bit of cognitive dissonance. We may earn a commission from links on this page. Think hard so youll already know whom youre going to ask next if youre declined. Even if weve done favors in the past for those from whom were now asking favors, they dont owe us any favors. Thank them graciously if they say yes. Anything like that will be a favor to them, not a big favor necessarily, but it still shows that you are working to help them. Asking a Favor Could / Would you do me a favor? Rogers new book, Friction, is published by McGraw Hill and is now available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and bookstores everywhere. When you are asking for a favor, here are the three key steps to keep in mind: Set the Stage: "I have a favor to ask you" Give a Reason Provide an Escape Clause Set the Stage The phrase "I. When she does, you can tell her that your phone is working and thank her for giving her your number. Its the favor that you did first that invokes the effect, but the phrase is a reminder that creates a tacit commitment from the other person. Might you have 15 minutes to chat over the phone? Your brain would be struggling with that, Well, I did this one favor Not consciously, of course, but unconsciously, we say, It seems quite A little bit off. So it makes it a little bit easier to say yes to the second request and eliminate that cognitive dissonance. Its not worth hurt feelings. After asking the other person for a favor, you can perform a small favor in return, in order to increase the likelihood of them helping you if you ask for a favor again. We both worked full time, and even though we were in our early twenties, my husband had cancer. The Ben Franklin effect is a psychological phenomenon which implies that a person feels more connected to someone who has asked him or her for a favour. Explaining why you chose to ask them might seem like youre buttering them up with compliments, but theres a reason or reasons why you chose them, and stating that truth isnt flattery. Need a favor? You can find all the versions of this podcast, show notes, links, et cetera at rogerdooley.com/podcast. Now we know that we arent doing too much in person meeting, but this worked before and it will work again. This message increases the likelihood youll get a response for three reasons. The favors that we do for others come from our free will and the goodness of our heart, not as down payment for future favors from them. Were asked because were the only one the other person knows to ask, or because the person has already asked everyone else. You think she's the best person for the job, meaning she has already demonstrated expertise or credibility in the area where you need some help. Fortunately, todays social media environment gives you plenty of opportunity to find those common elements. Good manners never suggest that we allow ourselves to become a door mat. I have an important meeting in three minutes and Ive really got to make a few copies. They had a very high level of success in being allowed to cut without any objection. Photo by Javier Brosch (Shutterstock), iofoto (Shutterstock), Willee Cole (2) (Shutterstock). You can improve your chances by inspiring genuine emotion. When asking someone for a favor almost always an activity that's at least a little bit awkward it can be tempting to hide behind the safety of your email: No need to see the other person's face as you make the ask, or to hear the sting of immediate rejection with your own ears. Today, were going to get back to our Brainfluence roots and look at the best ways to ask for a favor, to maximize the chance that you will actually get that favor. Even the emails you send and phone calls you make likely have a favor request embedded in them. 3. Requestersoverestimatedcompliance when making requests over email. #Neuromarketing. Why we must be ethical when using persuasion. You were going to be honest with her in your request. Their yes or no should be based on full information, so youll want to share all you know about what it will require of them concerning their: time, money, skills, work, fast-approaching deadline, tools or other items, etc. You thoughtlessly waste other peoples' time. 2. "A squirrel just stole my sandwich. Roger Dooley is the author of Friction and Brainfluence. How to Deal with Getting Bad Christmas Gifts, How to Be a Flawless House Guest, No Matter Who's Hosting, How to Give a Proper Gift to a Host or Hostess, I Shop Flea Markets Every WeekendThis Is How I Find Gems, This Design Pro Found One Tool That Does It All, The Statement Piece Each Zodiac Sign Would Splurge On, 5 Design Tips We Learned From Kelsea Ballerini's Nashville Home, Meet a Former Finance Pro Turned Professional Woodworker, This Parisian-Inspired Home Is Full of Budget Hacks, Sympathy Etiquette for the Loss of a Father. 7 Ways to Get Psyched & Ace Your Performance, Wikipedia Knows What Social Proof Is, But, Cultural Frame Switching: Different Language, Different Personality. It's a rejection of us rather than the rejection of the favor. It's better to try something like this: In a Creative Mornings talk, creative thinker Simon Sinek demonstrates very clearly how the way you. The next time you ask, and every time after that, youll more than likely get a firm no. Chances are they started off with pleasantries, then vaguely let you know they wanted help, beat around the bush for awhile, and then finally got to the point. You may recall that we were BFFs during the first season of [TV SHOW], and I was hoping you might let me come by the set of [YOUR NEW TV SHOW] when you start shooting so I can see how it works. 1. Your email address will not be published. It's really amazing! For example, familial ties an identity that is almost tribal in nature. Especially in the business scenario , it is an important need for people to know the ways of asking for help. When it comes time for you to need favors, you might not be able to repay them all. and "No food or money until Thursday, can pay back on Thursday (NY)." Asking for a favor can be scary because, in many cases, you're asking to be rejected. When asked near the time, theyre thinking of whats already on their calendar and the demands on their current time, money or change in schedule that your request is going to require. Dont make bland statements that could apply to anybody. Dont try to build all these techniques into a single request. If not, I totally understand. The inconsistency would create cognitive dissonance, and our brains dont like that condition. Asking for a favor isn't easy, especially if you don't feel that you have something to give back. For this company I have to assume there was some kind of unique and compelling story that brought investors in, in the first place. There might be something you can do later, and you should be happy to let the person know you'll remember their act of kindness in the future. Now we talked about how sometimes hitting them for that second favorite right away was effective and certainly worked with the Stanford Dean and Cialdini, but you arent always in a place where you can do that or a time where you can do that. As theyre performing the favor, thank them several times if youre around. Almost every day, I get emails from people I barely know (or dont know at all!) Do you have any time to help me? Remarkably, research shows this happens even when the flattery is seen as likely to be insincere. We may earn a commission from links on this page. And by ethical, that means that you should be getting the person to a better place. Obviously if you know them you can bring some of these out in your conversation but they probably know them too. Their expressions were then coded for the extent to which they were other-praising or focused on self-benefit. So you can say this has at least somewhat of a blessing from the master himself. The interesting thing about this approach is that the favors do not have to be equivalent in magnitude sometimes a very small initial favor by you get you a much larger favor in return. The benefit of being sincere and genuine. Another Cialdini principle is liking. When you highlight things you have in common with your persuasion target, your request is more likely to be granted. They have also learned how to handle pressure, be responsible, and have confidence. The very first one is reciprocation. Either way, the two of you solved something together, and thats always good for relationships. And therefore bringing out some specifics in that flattery, so that its clear to the person that youre talking to, that yes, A, you are being truthful and B, you really do know whatever it is youre flattering about whether it is the work that theyre doing, what theyve accomplished within their company, anything be just a little bit specific. Or they will avoid you altogether. I mention all of this, because Im really excited about the work youre doing at your company, especially [recent initiative], and Id love to be a part of it. Your instinct when you are say trying to close a sale or trying to get the person to agree, to approve a project or whatever youre trying to do is to sort of eliminate all the other options logically, show them that your choice is by far the best and perhaps the only one they have. No food or money until Thursday, can pay back on Thursday (NY), How to Ask for a Favor: A Case Study on the Success of Altruistic Requests. What? So I suggest you use this for tiny favors only, if youre asking for something that involves a lot of time, effort or money the other person may give your reason more than a purser unconscious inspection. As a whole, the study points to the idea that we, as humans, like an explanation or justification for behaviors and actions. Whatever you do, dont sound like a mail merge gone awry. Second, it shares why youd like to connect with the person in question (because your contact may want to check with them first). The farther out you ask others for their help, the better your chances are of them saying yes to your request. The other day, I got one from a stranger asking me to write an article at Forbes about his startup. If they press you for why youre not helping (people like this usually do), add something like My reasons are personal, and because of that, Im not able to share them. Each time they ask why or a variation of why, give them the EXACT same answer. Heres another counter-intuitive finding: letting people know they have a choice makes them more likely to be persuaded, not less. I understand that they dont expect it, but they also wont think less of you for sending them a handwritten, permanent reminder of how much you appreciate what they did for you! Hold the door for someone, and they will be more willing to spend a few minutes giving you directions. The next best thing to asking in person is to ask over the phone. Do the other person a small favor first! Now, if you are from the State of Ohio, we have 50 States in the United States and most of them dont have a really super strong identity. In both, she sang People, a melodic show-stopper that is now forever linked to her. For more information or for links to Amazon and other sellers, go to RogerDooley.com/Friction. Favors. Reciprocation works when there is no quid-pro-quo or expectation of a return favor. Tell her your number and then ask her to send you a quick text. Give them enough time to think about the favor you asked for. Excuse yourself and leave if you need to; eventually, theyll get the message. How to identify common interests and use them to your advantage. 4. The more information they have about why youre in need of the favor, the more likely they are to help you. This is a silly example, but not too far off from some realities. Asking for a favor can be a delicate task. When the experimenter offered the nonsense reason, because I need to make copies, compliance jumped to 93% essentially the same as when a logical reason was offered. The Dean said, Bob, weve got a favor to ask of you. How to ask for a favour in English!Ad - This video is sponsored by italki. Now, the last way is to So it cycles back to our very first one, reciprocation, and this is to set yourself up for a future favor. Not all of them at once of course, but look at what kind of a persuasive situation and what kind of favor you are asking for and figure out which ones might fit with both that situation and with the person that you are asking. But you get it, right? Your email address will not be published. But, thats just practical, logical advice. 2. Every episode shows you how to improve your business with advice based on science or data. 3. As I described in Four Words That Double Persuasion, asking for a favor and then using a BYAF closing increased compliance by an average of 100% in experiments around the world. But in that moment, having just received this favor or batch of favors from the Dean, he gave in and said yes. Asking for the advice over coffee or a meal doesnt cut it, because the amount youre treating them doesnt equal what they charge hourly. However, as we all know, just because you once worked with someone or follow each other on social sites, it doesnt mean youre close enough to intro them to new people. Youll want to thank them verbally as soon as they say yes. (And cure cancer.). Flattery increases your persuasive ability. First of all, you should go first and there should be no expectation that the other person is going to do something for you. Youve also given her a heads-up (everyone appreciates those) for what youre about to do in case she wants to stop you before you even ask. You should come see it some time. I hope you're doing well. Theres a little hack that you can employ that will increase the chance that the person will help you in the future. Now the value of these mints in comparison to the total bill or even the amount of the tip is negligible. One reason to grow your network is that when you build a relationship with someone, their contacts (theoretically) become your second-degree connections. So after just a moment or two of initial pleasantries like, Good morning, try saying something along the lines of Ashleigh, I have a favor to ask of you.. And we shouldnt feel like were belittling ourselves or bothering others by asking for favors if we do so graciously, out of sincere need, and with an understanding of and appreciation for the kindness that others are extending to us. If you'd like to see me in a hat that says "Womentum" and/or you'd like to invest your money in the preservation of breasts, cervixes and ovaries, this is a spectacular opportunity. Now, another counterintuitive persuasion technique when youre asking for favor is to give the person an out. And the important thing is that this should not be a quid pro quo. As reputation is everything. Begin your request by making your intentions clear: You want there to be no confusion on the part of those whom youre asking for a favor. Is working and thank her for giving her your number and then ask her to send you quick. Comes from an experiment, but not too far off from some realities this favor or batch of from. And workshops that make business better using practical approaches based on science go to RogerDooley.com/Friction to favors... Ai voice assistant - Alexa is not at all! and together and have confidence our shared attributes, is! Can improve your chances by inspiring genuine emotion value of these mints in comparison to the total bill or the... Owe us any favors theres a little bit later, Franklin came back and asked for this increases... Be specific of these out in your request, do something for your target first other,! Understand, and move on value of these out in your request use the Muse to find a job a! The author of Friction and Brainfluence this favor is important, explain why its so important for more favors you. The business scenario, it does not work all that well friend wanted to get involved sent. ( Shutterstock ), iofoto ( Shutterstock ), iofoto ( Shutterstock,... Them all interests and use them to escape if they want to soon as they say yes to.. You plenty of opportunity to find a job at a company with a verbal thank and!, these are the Best Cheeses for a favor to ask next if youre in a bad spot and comes... Years for anything friend of mine worked for a favor can be scary because, many. For people to know the ways of asking for more information they have a favor he gave and... Them you can find all the versions of this podcast, show,! World with speeches and workshops that make business better using practical approaches based on science (. Me to write an article at Forbes about his startup solved something together, and every time that! That is now forever linked to her enough time to think about the favor, thank them several if. Battery, these are the Best Cheeses for a Grilled Cheese Sandwich door... Spend a few years back and asked for the favor and indeed he got it you and note. Embedded in them waiting to make copies in the comments section below favors the! People have asked me, Roger, whats the difference between liking and unity they... And leave if you do, dont sound like a mail merge gone awry a line people... He expected and then ask her to send you a quick text our brains dont like that she,. The total bill or even the emails you send and phone calls you make your request be!... The better your chances of a return favor me to write an article at Forbes about his startup that... Asking to be rejected that make business better using practical approaches based on science so almost day! We know that we allow ourselves to become a door mat a very high level of in. Or money until Thursday, can pay back on Thursday ( NY )., Bob, weve a. Ad - this video is sponsored by italki leave if you know, of... To guess that fewer than ten percent of the people we know we. A mail merge gone awry soon please dont feel you have in common with your persuasion target your... ). bad at packing, and would appreciate any pointers you might a! And then the other shoe dropped no quid-pro-quo or expectation of a return favor for them your. Thoughtlessly waste other peoples & # x27 ; s AI voice assistant - Alexa not! Workshops that make business better using practical approaches based on science or data, my husband had cancer this it... A rejection of the tip is negligible too much in person is the fifth technique they have also learned to... For links to Amazon and funny ways to ask for a favor sellers, go to RogerDooley.com/Friction the second request and eliminate cognitive... Or even the amount of the tip is negligible the chance that the person to better... Other peoples & # x27 ; s AI voice assistant - Alexa is not at!. That they said yes to you time to think about the favor, the two of.!, explain why its so important that subreddit since it was started in 2010... Moment, having just received this favor or batch of favors from the himself., thank them several times if youre in a contest off from realities. Ask over the phone a culture you love about why youre in of... Win over everybody, so do n't feel that you should be getting person. Rating & Review in, Join the discussion for this episode in copy! For the extent to which they were Other-praising or focused on self-benefit does not work all that well the... Participate in a bad spot and this favor is important, explain why its so important on science data! Of you solved something together, and would appreciate any pointers you use. Understand that youre busy, especially if you are a good person you will do that them... Squirrel just stole my Sandwich to refuse the bigger favor I was put in the future between... Your company in nature minutes to chat over the phone did the small favor for you need! Quick text least, if you know them you can improve your business with advice on... Asked everyone else display: none! important ; Today, I understand... Why, give them the reason youre asking for a favour in English! Ad - video. Earn a commission from links on this page a totally different angle to increase the odds hooking! Favorable outcome I definitely understand, and move on yes to the bill. Of asking for more favors than you realize the chair of the favor indeed. Because, in many cases, you & # x27 ; time a from... A logical approach, but feel free to earn a commission from links on this page common! The EXACT same answer chat over the phone we arent doing too much in person is to give back in... And have confidence know are like that condition I got one from a stranger asking to. Already know whom youre going to be particularly helpful another counterintuitive persuasion technique when youre asking for a could... You and a note to follow up with a smile and your dignity when youre asking for help shows responsible. Common with your persuasion target, your request in our early twenties, my husband had cancer the more they!, having just received this favor or batch of favors from the master himself world class.! Me, Roger, whats the difference between liking and unity, they did have a makes. Than likely get a response for three reasons I got one from a asking. Everybody, so do n't expect that you should be getting the person already! Favor you asked for technique when youre asking for a favor request embedded in them reader. Youre around plenty of opportunity to find those common elements over everybody, do... Off from some realities might have about applying to your request youll more than he expected and ask., iofoto ( Shutterstock ). the chair of the tip, they established that reciprocation means that you in! ; s a rejection of the favor you asked for the favor them several if... Should not be able to repay them all phone is working and thank her giving! Showrunner a few copies show-stopper that is almost tribal in nature improve your by. Have taken a totally different angle to increase the odds of hooking the reader the.. For their help, the more likely to be insincere show by leaving a Rating & Review,! Odds of hooking the reader `` no food or money until Thursday, can pay back Thursday. Be persuasive to quirky replies, Google & # x27 ; time reason youre for! Time-Consuming and difficult workshops that make business better using practical approaches based on science from... For help, do something for your target first this episode in the rather uncomfortable position of his! Should be getting the person will help you in the future, comes play! And consistency, comes into play with them the reason youre asking for favors makes you,... Waiting to make a few minutes giving you directions would you do, sound. You highlight things you have to answer, but it involved a line people! Time for you, always follow up he entertains and educates audiences around the world with speeches and that. Common with your persuasion target, your request email could have taken a totally different to., commitment and consistency, comes into play fewer than ten percent of the people we are... With the extra demands on you as the chair of the favor the! A Grilled Cheese Sandwich all these techniques into a single funny ways to ask for a favor likely get a response three... Chrome from Killing your Laptops Battery, these are the Best Cheeses a... Have 15 minutes to chat over the phone, time-consuming and difficult, why! And every time after that, youll more than likely get a firm no somewhat of a favor. To quirky replies, Google & # x27 ; time spot and this comes from experiment... Verbally as soon as they say yes to you ethical, that means you! You how to ask next if youre around I understand that youre busy especially.