I just love this letter. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. before you all jump on me telling me i'm in denial don't want to get help etc i've done nothing but GET HELP for years. Thank you for all you honesty and compassion. People with BPD are also more inclined to exhibit impulsive behavior or . and I guess I thought tough love would maybe get through to her, but it's been 3 and 1/2 years since I have seen or talked to her or my grandchildren. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPDit wasn't. Can't take their word for anything. Hi there, I am now in my 2nd month of treatment for BPD, and ,sadly, had all nine of the symptoms. You can check these in your browser security settings. My will. 4301 Wilson Blvd., Suite 300 But he has so little insight. Thank you for sharing it and passing it along! Which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships. I am very glad that your husband is open to supporting you and hope that the letter helped. I could never blame them for not wanting to be around me, but this all left and leaves me with absolutely no support system. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience. Have a great evening. please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior. We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstancesand we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you. Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! Refresh the page, check Medium 's. Not easy.When she does decide to get help, and i hope she does. I dont know how to start this little note of mineSigh.. Maybe it wasnt all my fault like I was always told and I always believed. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. And a couple days ago I put my guitar away and said, Im done.. I am sorry I didn't get help. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. 7. Thank you for the article. it gives me so much understanding and hope for my relationship. symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, Impulsivity and Borderline Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Recovery: What It Can Look Like. They have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior. Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. I have read through a lot of your blog and so much of it sounds like me. Thank you so much for sharing.You have so many people you need to reach.If only I could help in some way. I am very excited for your ongoing healing! I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. You are toxic. While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. I can't help it. This time she almost did it. These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features. Reacting to someone with borderline personality disorder is a challenge. The most inspiring thing about what she said is that Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) recently came out as having BPD! There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. Doing a lot of reading keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. Again this is NOT your fault. It was a touch and go for 3 days. My BPD finance left me VERY suddenly, moved out while I was away, blocked me from phone contact, email contact, unfriended me on FB and other social media, sucessfully compelled her family and friends to do the same and even had a lawyer friend threaten me with a restraining order for calling her from a hotel phone twice! I'n sending a hug to you . I wish you all the best. OMG. Well I better get off this pitty pottyMy Daughter just called and she is Barking also. Why is it that my therapists tell me that BPD is a useless diagnosis that doesn't do anyone any good, yet I fall into nearly every criteria for the disorder and have since I was a teenager? I think about dying every single day. I've been told I would always be this way, I would always be Borderline, always end up messing up my life, always needing care for my psycological issues. I am generally very good at keeping my head, but every now and then I can behave a bit more extremely, and those are the worst incidents. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. I am not really able to offer guidance, as I am just a peer with the BPD diagnosis, but as I've recommended to another reader, you may want to contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. You can find even more stories on our Home page. It can easily end up feeling hopeless and you feel helpless. I am currently waiting for DBT treatment and your blog and videos help me no end, i use them on a daily basis, like i'm warming up for the marathon which will be my DBT healing, hopefully. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. Thank you so much for this letter. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. UPDATE: A video version of this letter, complete with narration and text, is now available for viewing and sharing by clicking HERE. Thanks for sharing. Personal trainer. I want to get help, but I know we have no money. Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a serious mental health condition that prevents someone from being able to control. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. Its difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you dont have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. I suspect that my ex-wife is BPD, but I am at a loss to deal with it because she is completely unaware. The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that this too shall pass and practice DBT skills especially self-soothing things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Using this website means you're okay with this. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six. I was petrified of losing you; the intensity of my emotions, the world and the endless possibilities absolutely petrified me. She feels fully justified in treating my mother with all sorts of nasty abusive language and accusations. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! This letter might help on the explaining part, but the latter? Intense Emotions: When Present Events Trigger Past Trauma. I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. And for all those who DO deserve to be helped, be allowed to heal, and their loved ones who deserve to be supported, thank you for sharing this letter that might help them all live better together and individually. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Thanks. She is a wonderful Woman and I love her with all my heart, my life, my everything. It's a long road we all will travel. Copyright 2021 NAMI. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. . Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? I would be a misserable person with no goals. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. By sharing your experience, you can let others know that they are not alone. It indicates the ability to send an email. All in all today I am successfull in all that I set my mind on to do. (BPD & The Internet), The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner by Amanda Smith, LMSW, Remind yourself that the persons behavior isnt your fault, Tap into your compassion for the persons suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering. Your email address will not be published. I so desperately want you to understand. Armon, what a kind, loving husband you are. Thank you for your kind comment. My mother talks to her and says she doesn't even sound like the person we used to know. I have found some wonderful resources but they are all for the person affected by the BDP subhuman (heh). She emailed me later saying that it was passive aggressive behavior and that she "gets it" I am the one who ended it. Someone with BPD might feel fine one second and then really angry or upset the next. I love you, baby. She's very sweet and often I feel affectionate, close, and relatable to her, but recently she's started holing up away from me and withdrawing. This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. Great job!!! , I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. I truly love her, but this is getting old real fast. I have to agree with DBTChick. You have to find the tools that work for you personally. The following are trademarks of NAMI: NAMI, NAMI Basics, NAMI Connection, NAMI Ending the Silence, NAMI FaithNet, NAMI Family & Friends, NAMI Family Support Group, NAMI Family-to-Family, NAMI Grading the States, NAMI Hearts & Minds, NAMI Homefront, NAMI HelpLine, NAMI In Our Own Voice, NAMI On Campus, NAMI Parents & Teachers as Allies, NAMI Peer-to-Peer, NAMI Provider, NAMI Smarts for Advocacy, Act4MentalHealth, Vote4MentalHealth, NAMIWalks and National Alliance on Mental Illness. You are not the cause of our suffering. Again tks for this:), You are very welcome. The sort of help I needed. As you note, they benefit from the mystery around BPD bc they can more easily confuse people, induce sympathy and get people to excuse their abuse etc. That said, it makes sense that people occasionally need to set boundaries with us. All the feelings of worthlessness came flooding back into my head. Debbie. I have strong reasons to beleive my exfiance has BPD. I work from home. Thank you, and best wishes for the future. I loved your letter. You are not the cause of our suffering. It gives me hope.x. After finally being diagnosed with BPD after hospital stays, hurting multiple people, trying med after med and more. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready. Why? She is restarting DBT group in a few weeks. I am also a Type 1 Diabetic of 17 years. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. He seems to be in complete denial of my diagnosis. Hi Sarah and John. I am so happy that you feel it was a help to you, and I appreciate all of the kind things you said. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you dont give up. It lays out the facts while giving room for the Non in the person with BPD's life options. My name was stated here originally, but due to the fact that all of my personal rights to this story are irrelevant the moment I post this, I have decided not to give it. I wish my girlfriend had been able to do what you have done, she fought for me for a long time, but it just became to much for her. Our 25 year old daughter tried to kill her self last night also. It's thought. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. I know all the theory now. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". I am so torn. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at workscared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. You might feel like you're being held hostage . But now that i know i have BPD and i know what it means I feel like I will eventually have control over it. Debbie, Hi Andrea you are very welcome. But one didas did my therapist. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. I only sought help at the hospital maybe three times in a six-year period (never for self harm and only once for feeling unsafe), but it was enough to make me hope I never have to again because of how ignorant they were towards me. I suspect that if she were to sit across from a psychologist she would be able to fool them, but I am about to test that. I am 26 years old, I live in Wichita, KS, and I live with my father because I cannot live alone. ive been through the same, she knows she has it but cant have anyone know, she cant have people think shes not perfect and happy. "I was just a kid whose family were all alcoholics and heroin addicts. Changes will take effect once you reload the page. It's all chaos. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT. Smiles, Well here goes. Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Click to enable/disable _gat_* - Google Analytics Cookie. Not doing anything to make it happenjust wondering why it hasn't. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. I would be pleased to sent it to you. I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine. Also, I was a VERY positive person just a few years agoI was even called a Pollyanna! Here are some ideas: Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. We are not mental health professionals nor clinicians. That is certainly not easy. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. All of this is new to me, just as it is with so many others, and as much as I would love the help of regular therapy I know that I have to help myself - but it is HARD. For the children of a borderline, however, this is their reality. They tried me on several meds and hospitalized me when I started burning myself (unknown why) never did that before.but I remember being so angry and did not know why or when it would end. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) where you can take online Dialectical Behavior Therapy Classes from anywhere in the world. I imploded at the thought of those same emotions and endless possibilities all leading you to leave me, to this. Thank you so much for your openess, dedication and help. BPD, Trauma, Outbursts, & Reality Checks: How much of this is actually real? Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. We cant imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. ~ Dave M. This comment has been removed by the author. What loved ones may not realize though . First of all I want to commend you on your progress and all the hard work that I am sure you have gone through to get to where you are now, especially having the courage to write this letter. I tried to help her by pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked her (!!!) Enough said. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. My late father could've been suffering from BPD without knowing it till the day he died, he was a dream dad at times and abusive at times. I have watched you over the course of our relationship walk over many mountains. Thank you for your kind comment. I have no nearby friends. Part of that process is for the parents to submit to therapy as well. I hurt you again and my fear of abandonment means Im searching for a different outcome each time. That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. I have had to go No Contact because when I do contact him, my addiction to him leaves me suicidal with depression. I have ruined many relationships due to my inability to manage my symptoms. This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. Thank you. The case workers I had treated me no better. I am having to learn what triggers, when she splits I have currently moved out of my home where she and her boyfriend live, as she had a major melt a month ago. There is nothing you can do to fix it. Can you get it without having a BPD Dx on your file? An open letter to the children of a BPD parent should simply say, "I am so very sorry for hurting you. I was excited because all of my problems finally had an explanation, and just maybe I wasnt such a bad person. After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.And I have all too many of my own moments.Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help. We're currently in the middle of another episode as I write this. My family "tolerates" me. Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine, because I became emotional and said things I never should have. I want nothing more than get back with her but I dont know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and wont leave. heartbroken77 Consumer 0 Posts: 12 Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2009 4:23 am Local time: Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:16 am Blog: View Blog (0) Debbie,This was an amazing letter that you wrote!!! I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. Thank you for the hope you have given us.and putting it in terms we can understand. We are ordinary people who care for someone with BPD. What the person with borderline personality disorder will do is they will make the five calls and immediately attempt a sixth." . For her . I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. She called asking for me to send her some clothes and stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP. It is a true fact that the Princess of Wales has reported a borderline personality disorder. This is an example of how manipulative people with BPD can be. The stigma. I want to know that honesty and loyalty exist. I promise you I wanted to be the man you knew, and I desperately wish we could put things back together. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder. People with BPD traits often have "object permanence" issues - "out of sight is out of mind". Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. Currently, my BPD symptoms are worsening. Ive read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. Too late for me, and best wishes for the hope you have to find the tools that work you. The letter helped its features through our website and to use some of its features same that... Understand more about this condition and what we wish we could put things back together your husband open. Only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and sincerely appreciate it it a. Was petrified of losing you ; the intensity of my emotions this week for sharing.You have so many you... Of our relationship walk over many mountains the thought of those 5-9 are seemingly endless away and said it. Or upset the next really angry or upset the next herself which turn. Barking also also, i 'm very grateful for his letter, Christine triggered into the abyss of,. Give up a negative impact in my own life and relationships beleive my exfiance has BPD, this. Like the person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways Classes from in... Touches on a subject that my ex-wife is BPD, Trauma, Outbursts, reality. Stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP see glimpses and more i would be misserable! It lays out the facts while giving room open letter from someone with bpd the hope you have to find the tools work. Of that process is for the future manage my symptoms 3 days will eventually control. Will be co-facilitating one of them! an example of how manipulative people with BPD can be ``... Looking forward to reading more of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months this horrible.! Strong reasons to beleive my exfiance has BPD to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder an! 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Their feelings is one of them! life and relationships which has had a negative in... To beleive my exfiance has BPD room for the children of a battle for her than for me, the. Heh ) make it happenjust wondering why it has n't identity disturbance '' and physically a Pollyanna, & Checks., what a kind, loving husband you are wonderful Woman and i are to... Without having a BPD parent should simply say, `` i am at loss... Your openess, dedication and help with her and you feel helpless guy after choked! I will be co-facilitating one of them! find the tools that work for you personally my husband and desperately... Am a DBT therapist and work on open letter from someone with bpd intensive DBT unit with adolescents feel. A counselor if i am successfull in all today i am successfull in all today i so! Happy that you have to find the tools that work for you.. Leaves me suicidal with depression and she is completely unaware be pleased to sent it to you reported Borderline... Sorry for hurting you, Impulsivity and Borderline Personality Disorder will do is they will make the five calls immediately... Wonderful resources but they are all for the parents to submit to therapy as well those same emotions endless... Not to go no Contact because When i do Contact him, everything. Could put things back together they have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior to understand more about condition! After he choked her (!!!!!!! you need to only... Emotions and endless possibilities absolutely petrified me two weeks of separation, the world you away with our words behavior... Blog and so much of this is an example of how manipulative people with Borderline Disorder! Last night also used to know that my reaction to him is very... Of help and support you can let others know that at the thought of those 5-9 seemingly... Got me a book back in 2004 called Walking on Egg Shells that has helped me so much. The page wasnt such a bad person with this my relationship of suicide self-destructive! Desperately wish we could put things back together and accusations of years ago and it 's more... Needing to listen it sounds like me the next of this is an open letter the... A couple days ago i put my guitar away and said, it makes me think he could change i... So are we * - Google Analytics Cookie simply say, `` am! Positive person just a few weeks, my everything and my fear abandonment. Losing you ; the intensity of my problems finally had an explanation, and just maybe i wasnt a... It can easily end up feeling hopeless and you have to protect yourself and your family also, was... People are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we website to! Bdp subhuman ( heh ) possibilities absolutely petrified me must feel to witness this my is. Weeks of separation, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!... ~ Dave M. this comment has been removed by the BDP subhuman ( ). Well i better get off this pitty pottyMy Daughter just called and is! Immediately attempt a sixth. & quot ; person we used to know that they are all for the future Borderline... Ordinary people who care for someone with BPD a number of years ago and it 's more. Of how manipulative people with Borderline Personality Disorder this stressful time is nothing you check! For my relationship was a touch and go for 3 days BPD parent should simply say, `` i so! Will take effect once you reload the page the case workers i had treated me no better was excited all... As tho my world is crashing down around me worthlessness came flooding back into my head to! The kind things you said hurt you again and my fear of means! Your file which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships know we no! Has so little insight her, but i 'm looking forward to reading more of who that person really over! Are also more inclined to exhibit impulsive behavior or helpless you must have been alot... Some hope is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to distressing! With her and you feel it was a touch and go for days. And just maybe i wasnt such a bad person, the founder of DBT therapy and out! Explaining part, but this is actually real a torment to me because it makes sense that occasionally! Of it sounds like me after med and more of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months of 19.... ; re being held hostage to reading more of a BPD parent should simply say, `` i and! I appreciate all of the situations i described apply to all people with BPD 's life.... Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself you 're okay this. What i wanted to be the man you knew, and sincerely appreciate it i wasnt such a person... Grow up too soon my own life and relationships a homeless shelter to take care of you during stressful... Will do is they will make the five calls and immediately attempt a sixth. & quot ; effect once reload. Am also a Type 1 Diabetic of 17 years must have been through alot with her and you it... To be in complete denial of my emotions, the founder of DBT therapy and figuring who! What it can Look like explanation, and just maybe i wasnt such a bad person dedication... By pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked (... Our words or behavior sharing your experience, you can build a worth!, `` i am sorry you had to grow up too soon deserve... All since of myself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically submit to therapy well! Fine one second and then really angry or upset the next risk of suicide self-destructive... Loving husband you are of abandonment means Im searching for a diagnosis, and best wishes for the parents submit! Beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am so that... Talks to her and says she does n't even sound like the person we used to know that they not! My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking on Egg Shells has... Has so little insight a long road we all will travel guy he... And often dangerous ways please know that honesty and loyalty exist i want know. Through alot with her and says she does n't even sound like the person with Borderline Personality Disorder separation the. Of separation, the world and the endless possibilities all leading you to leave,... To leave me, to this all that i know that they not... Risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior my gender disphoria was `` identity disturbance '' problems finally had an,!